Woman to Woman: Notes from the Islands

There’s a quiet solidarity that lives between Pacific women.

We don’t always name it, but we feel it - in the way we sit beside each other at funerals, in the way we trade knowing looks when someone makes a careless joke, in the way we hold each other up even as we’re carrying too much ourselves.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on some of the things I wish someone had whispered to me sooner. And so, woman to woman, let me say these things to you now.

You Are Part of the Village Too

We are raised to believe that the village comes first, and there is undeniable beauty in that. Pacific cultures are rightly known for their communal spirit, and for women especially, the ethic of care is taught from girlhood (Fia’Ali’i et al., 2017). We grow up watching our mothers and grandmothers carry everyone else, quietly setting aside their own dreams, their own rest.

But here is my gentle reminder, sis: you are part of the village too. You are not just its backbone - you are its beating heart. And you matter just as much as everyone else you carry. This is not selfishness; it is sustainability. Women’s health and well-being are directly linked to the resilience of their communities (Zealand, 2010). When you care for yourself, you make the village stronger.

We Are Storytellers, Not Just Survivors

We are storytellers. That is one of our greatest inheritances - our ability to turn pain into poetry, to weave memory into mat and song. But too often, our cultures teach us that silence about pain is strength. We are told that to speak up is to disrupt harmony, to bring shame.

Let me tell you this: silence does not heal. Studies across the Pacific have documented how cultural norms of silence and shame exacerbate the harm of gender-based violence and emotional trauma (Eriksson et al., 2022; Jalal, 2009). Speaking, even if your voice trembles, is how we evolve. It is how we carve out a better path for our daughters. You are not just a survivor. You are a storyteller. And your story deserves to be heard.

Loyalty Has Its Place - But Know Where Not to Misplace It

I married into Polynesia, but I carry Melanesian and Micronesian blood in me, and what I have learned is this: all our islands teach us loyalty. Loyalty to family, loyalty to faith, loyalty to community. These values are beautiful. But they can also bind us too tightly to places and people who harm us.

Research on Pacific women’s experiences of violence and inequity shows that loyalty - to family, to custom, to marriage - often keeps women trapped in cycles of harm, long after they know they deserve better (Jalal, 2009). Loyalty must always have boundaries. Be loyal to your people, yes. But never forget to be loyal to yourself first.

Sometimes Resilience is Just Exhaustion in Disguise

We love big, forgive fast, and laugh even when we’re hurting - it is our way. In Pacific discourse, “resilience” is one of our most celebrated traits. But sometimes what we call resilience is just another word for exhaustion. Studies have shown how Pacific women, particularly those in caregiving roles, face disproportionate mental and emotional strain, quietly accepting it as their duty (Fa'avae et al., 2016).

Sis, it is not your job to carry everything. You deserve to rest. You deserve to put down the weight, even for a while. You deserve to feel light again.

We Must Show Up For Women’s Everyday Dignity Too

Our people are masters of ceremony. We know how to show up for births, deaths, weddings, and feasts - how to fill a hall, how to raise a song. But our challenge now is to show up for the quiet, everyday dignity of women too.

We must advocate for women’s health, for their education, for their safety, for their right to thrive and not just survive. As development scholars have argued, the social and economic well-being of Pacific nations depends on whether we center women’s dignity in our policies, our customs, and our hearts (Ataera-Minster & Trowland, 2018). Without this, our ceremonies will always be incomplete.

So, woman to woman: you matter. You have always mattered. And you always will. May you find the courage to speak, to rest, to choose yourself - and to remind others that showing up for women is not just our duty, but our future.

Disclaimer: I am a freelance writer and the information and content provided on this page are my opinions alone. All content (unless quoted/sourced) is subject to copyright and may not be reproduced in any form without my express written consent.

References

Ataera-Minster, J., & Trowland, H. (2018). Te Kaveinga: Mental health and wellbeing of Pacific peoples. Results from the New Zealand mental health monitor & health and lifestyles survey. Health Promotion Agency.

Erikson, A., Puiahi, D., & Wachter, K. (2022). Bridging Micro and Macro Practice to Respond to Violence Against Women and Girls in Dynamic Contexts: Lessons Learned from the South Pacific Context. In Integrative Social Work Practice with Refugees, Asylum Seekers, and Other Forcibly Displaced Persons (pp. 449-468). Cham: Springer International Publishing.

Fa'avae, D., Jones, A., & Manu'atu, L. (2016). Talanoa'i ‘A e Talanoa—Talking about Talanoa: Some dilemmas of a novice researcher. AlterNative: An International Journal of Indigenous Peoples, 12(2), 138-150.

Fia’Ali’i, J., Manuela, S., Le Grice, J., Groot, S., & Hyde, J. (2017). University of Auckland Research Repository, ResearchSpace.

Jalal, I. (2009). Harmful practices against women in Pacific Island countries: customary and conventional laws. In Proceedings of the Expert Group Meeting on good practices in legislation to address harmful practices against women United Nations Conference (pp. 25-28).

Zealand, S. N. (2010). Ministry of Pacific Island Affairs. (2010). Health and Pacific peoples in New Zealand, 31.