The Overachiever Trap: Reflections from a Firstborn Daughter in the Pacific

In many Pacific cultures, the role of the firstborn daughter carries immense symbolic and practical weight. We are often tasked, explicitly or not, with setting the standard, taking care of our siblings, and stepping into caregiving roles before we fully understand what that entails. This sense of responsibility is deeply rooted in the cultural fabric of communal living and familial duty. And for those of us who find ourselves in professional and academic spaces, especially outside our home countries, this early socialisation into leadership often manifests in what Western contexts term “overachievement.”

While high performance is typically celebrated in both Pacific and Western settings, the unspoken toll it takes on mental wellbeing, especially for women, is frequently overlooked.

The Firstborn Complex: Cultural and Gendered Expectations

As a Solomon Island woman living abroad and navigating business, leadership, and academic life, I have come to recognise the double bind of being an “overachiever” and a Pacific Island firstborn daughter. Pacific cultures place a strong emphasis on collective identity, family obligation, and respect for hierarchy (Mila-Schaaf & Hudson, 2009). In these contexts, eldest daughters are expected to be emotionally mature, dependable, and self-sacrificing. These traits are considered culturally valuable, but they also set the stage for internalising perfectionism and suppressing personal needs.

In professional and academic environments, these expectations compound. We become the “ideal employee” or the “model student” - high-performing but often silent about our struggles. In many Pacific communities, mental health is still a taboo subject, and there is limited cultural language to express internal distress (Leenen-Young & Uperesa, 2023). Saying “Mi orait” or "i marurung" (translated: 'I’m fine') becomes a survival tactic, even when our inner world is collapsing.

The Hidden Costs of Overachievement

Overachievement, while admired, often functions as a mask for deeper insecurity or emotional fatigue. According to research conducted by Hewitt and Flett (1991), perfectionistic tendencies - common in high-achievers - are closely linked with anxiety, depression, and burnout. For Pacific women, the drive to achieve can also stem from a desire to honour family sacrifice and overcome structural barriers related to race, gender, and geography (Auva’a-Alatimu et al., 2024).

But when does striving cross the line into self-erasure?

The warning signs can be subtle: chronic fatigue, emotional numbness, isolation, or the persistent belief that you’re never doing “enough.” Yet, within cultures where silence is valorised and personal struggles are kept private to preserve collective harmony, speaking up can feel like betrayal (Tamasese et al., 2005).

Learning to Ask for Help: A Quiet Form of Resistance

For me, the turning point came when I was forced to confront the fact that resilience alone wasn’t sustainable. Balancing full-time study, running a business, and caring for family had begun to take a toll. And while Pacific women are often praised for “doing it all,” the truth is - no one should have to.

The act of asking for help became an exercise in unlearning. It required vulnerability, cultural negotiation, and most importantly, having people in my life - an understanding employer, supportive lecturers, friends, and amazing family - who reminded me that rest is not something I need to earn.

According to social support theory, access to strong interpersonal networks significantly buffers the impact of stress and is a critical predictor of mental health outcomes (Cohen & Wills, 1985). In culturally diverse contexts, it’s not just about having support - it’s also about having support that understands your cultural background and upbringing, as well as your emotional realities (Sue et al., 2012). For Pacific peoples, this means reframing conversations about mental wellbeing in culturally grounded ways.

Rewriting the Narrative: From Individualism to Interdependence

We need to expand what leadership and success look like for Pacific women. Strength should include softness. Leadership must consist of the capacity to say, “I need help.” This redefinition aligns with Indigenous Pacific philosophies that centre relationships, reciprocity, and collective care (Vaioleti, 2006).

Employers and educators have a crucial role to play in recognising this dynamic. Creating inclusive spaces that allow Pacific people (especially women) to bring their whole selves into professional and academic environments is key to long-term wellbeing and sustainable achievement.

For other firstborn daughters out there carrying more than you show: know this. You are already enough. You do not need to shatter yourself to shine.

Collective Care Is Our Superpower

Overachievement is not inherently bad. It has given many of us access, opportunity, and growth. But when left unchecked, it can become a quiet form of self-neglect. The real strength lies in recognising our limits and building lives that are sustainable - not just impressive.

Let’s normalise both ambition and asking for help.

Let’s build communities that see us - not just our output.

And let’s remember: even in leadership, you were never meant to walk alone.

References:

Leenen-Young, M., & Uperesa, L. (2023). Re-visioning pacific research method/ologies. Waka Kuaka: The Journal of the Polynesian Society, 132(1/2), 9-39.

Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological bulletin, 98(2), 310-357.

Auva’a-Alatimu, T., Alefaio-Tugia, S., & Ioane, J. (2024). Understanding the impact of digital therapeutic engagement in promoting mental wellbeing for Pacific youth in Aotearoa New Zealand: an exploration of the literature. International Journal of Mental Health Systems, 18(1), 22.

Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of personality and social psychology, 60(3), 456.

Mila-Schaaf, K., & Hudson, M. (2009). The interface between cultural understandings: Negotiating new spaces for Pacific mental health. Pacific health dialog, 15(1), 113-119.

Sue, S., Cheng, J. K. Y., Saad, C. S., & Chu, J. P. (2012). Asian American mental health: a call to action. American Psychologist, 67(7), 532.

Tamasese, K., Peteru, C., Waldegrave, C., & Bush, A. (2005). Ole Taeao Afua, the new morning: A qualitative investigation into Samoan perspectives on mental health and culturally appropriate services. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 39(4), 300-309.

Vaioleti, T. M. (2006). Talanoa research methodology: A developing position on Pacific research. Waikato journal of education, 12.

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